As I’m psyching myself up to unload my life’s accumulated material possessions from a rolling yellow box with wheels, I thought I might record, for your reading pleasure, some highs and lows of driving cross-country towing thousands of pounds of vehicle, futon, and books.
Best Campsite: Lake Anita, western Iowa. Huge lake, lots of deer, awesome pre-made fire pits, and…SHOWERS.
Scariest, and Rudest in a Scary and Dangerous Way, Drivers: Flint, Michigan. Close runner-up is the one guy outside of Hamilton that squeezed his car, going 70 mph, past my huge moving truck and trailer IN THE GRASS beside me.
Friendliest Drivers: Nebraska and Iowa.
Most Horrendously Horribly Awful Shocking Roads: Tie, between northern Illinois and northern Indiana. You know it’s bad every time you hit a giant bump and find yourself desperately looking out the side mirror, just expecting to see that trailer carrying your maroon Subaru to go flying off that bridge into the river.
Biggest Moving Van with Trailer Miscalculation: Going north to Wyoming, then east on I-80, instead of just heading east out of town. Wyoming is way higher than Fort Collins or anywhere else between Fort Collins and Hamilton, which means I just made the truck power up a slow, giant hill for absolutely no reason. That was my 6 mpg day. #NotWinningAtMoving
Runner-Up, Biggest Moving Van with Trailer Miscalculation: Making a wrong turn trying to get to a Starbucks, and finding myself at a dead end, forcing a very long backing maneuver back into traffic. Do not ever, ever need to do this again. #SeriouslyNotWinningAtMoving
Surprising Fact: There are actually very few Starbucks in the 1600 miles between Fort Collins and Hamilton that are accessible with a moving van and trailer. Bonus fact: if you find yourself at a Pilot truck stop, all the professionals go for the blueberry flavoured coffee. If brewed appropriately, blueberry covers a multitude of coffee sins.
Suggestion for our Corrections System: Require drug dealers serving time on their first offense to participate in an on-call service to forlorn motorists with vehicle trailers that need to perform a backing maneuver. Successful completion of said backing will translate to time served. Breaking that hitch, however, will add an extra year to their community service.
Best Thing About Customs: I actually had all the paperwork they wanted. Which was a lot. Proving you don’t intend to live out of the moving van the instant you land in Canada takes more than just the attitude that, obviously, why would I because who does that? Because I was informed someone has.
Worst Thing About Customs: Goodbye plants. They can only come in if they’ve never been planted in soil. Which means they’re not plants, or are dead.